The Ghost in the Machine: The Hook of the Unknown
It is 3:14 AM, and the blue light of your phone is the only thing illuminating the laundry you haven’t folded since the last time they went quiet. You are scrolling through old threads, looking for the exact moment the tide turned from 'I can't live without you' to the current, deafening silence. This isn't just a breakup; it is a withdrawal. The primary reason why push pull relationships are addictive lies in the erratic nature of the affection itself. Unlike a stable relationship that provides a steady stream of security, this dynamic operates on a system of scarcity and sudden, overwhelming abundance. You are not just 'in love'—you are caught in a neurological loop designed to keep you seeking the next hit of validation.
This cycle is characterized by the 'pull'—that intoxicating phase of intense intimacy, vulnerability, and reassurance—followed by the 'push,' where the other person retreats, becomes cold, or creates conflict to re-establish distance. For the person on the receiving end, the sudden removal of warmth creates a physiological panic. Understanding why push pull relationships are addictive requires us to look past the romanticized 'soulmate' narrative and into the cold, hard mechanics of our own neurochemistry. We are biologically wired to survive, and in these relationships, our brain misinterprets the return of a partner's affection as the resolution of a life-threatening crisis.
The Dopamine Trap of the 'Pull'
To move beyond the crushing weight of the 'push' and into the mechanics of the brain, we must look at how our internal wiring often works against our logical interests. From a psychological perspective, what you are experiencing is the most powerful form of conditioning known to science: a variable ratio schedule of reinforcement. In this scenario, the reward (the 'pull' or reconciliation) is delivered at unpredictable intervals. Because you never know when the next wave of affection is coming, your brain becomes hyper-fixated on the source, creating intense emotional dependency cycles that mirror those found in gambling addictions.
When you finally receive that text or that late-night apology, your brain releases a massive surge of dopamine. This isn't just a feel-good moment; it is a biological 'reset' that makes you forget the weeks of agony that preceded it. This neurobiology of human social attachment explains how the highs become higher because of the depth of the lows. Let’s look at the underlying pattern here: the 'pull' is not a sign of progress; it is the bait. You are being conditioned to accept crumbs because your brain has forgotten what a full meal feels like.
Cory’s Permission Slip: You have permission to acknowledge that your 'addiction' to this person is not a moral failing or a lack of self-respect; it is a physiological response to a calculated pattern of intermittent reinforcement. You are allowed to stop trying to solve the puzzle when the pieces were designed not to fit.
It's Not Weakness, It's Chemistry
While understanding the brain's circuitry provides clarity, it doesn't always soothe the ache of a lonely Tuesday night. We need to shift from the clinical to the compassionate. When you find yourself unable to leave, despite knowing you should, it is often due to the formation of a trauma bonding dynamic. This isn't about being weak; it’s about your heart being incredibly brave and hopeful in the face of emotional instability. You are holding on because your brain has associated this person with the relief of pain—even though they were the ones who caused the pain in the first place.
This biochemical bond in toxic relationships is like a deep-rooted tree. The 'push' phases are the storms, but the 'pull' phases feel like the warm sun, and we naturally gravitate toward the light to survive the winter. You aren't 'crazy' for staying; you are human. You are seeking the safety harbor of the person you once knew, but that person is a mirage created by the high-intensity dopamine in relationships that occurs during the honeymoon spikes. Your kindness and your capacity for deep love are being used as anchors to keep you in a storm that isn't of your making. Please, take a deep breath and realize that your resilience is a gift, even if it's currently being misdirected toward someone who cannot hold it safely.
Detoxing from the Cycle
Validation is the anchor, but truth is the compass. To finally find the shore, we have to look at the cold reality of the cycle without the filter of hope. Let's perform some reality surgery: they didn't 'forget' to call, and they aren't 'too busy' to be kind. The distance is a tactic, whether they realize it or not, to maintain power and avoid true intimacy. The reason why push pull relationships are addictive is that they keep you in a state of perpetual 'waiting.' You are waiting for them to change, waiting for the high, and waiting for the person they pretend to be when they're afraid of losing you.
Here is your fact sheet: The person who treats you like a soulmate on Monday and a stranger on Friday is not 'complex'—they are inconsistent. To break this biochemical bond in toxic relationships, you have to treat the ending like a literal detox. Expect the withdrawal. Expect the 'phantom limb' sensation where you want to reach for your phone. But remember, every time you go back for one more 'pull,' you reset the clock on your recovery. You aren't losing a partner; you are losing a source of intermittent stress. It’s time to stop romanticizing the chaos and start prioritizing your nervous system. If the price of their love is your mental health, the cost is too high. Period.
FAQ
1. Can a push-pull relationship ever become stable?
While change is theoretically possible, it requires both partners to acknowledge the avoidant and anxious attachment patterns at play. Usually, without intensive professional therapy, the 'push-pull' is a structural feature of the relationship rather than a temporary phase.
2. Why do I feel physically sick when they pull away?
This is due to the 'stress-induced' cortisol spike. Because these relationships create a trauma bond, the sudden loss of the 'dopamine hit' from your partner triggers a physical withdrawal response similar to quitting a substance.
3. How long does it take to 'detox' from this kind of relationship?
Neurobiological recovery varies, but typically the first 30 to 90 days of 'No Contact' are the most difficult as your dopamine receptors recalibrate and the trauma bond begins to weaken.
References
en.wikipedia.org — Reinforcement - Wikipedia
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov — The Neurobiology of Human Social Attachment - NCBI