'Am I Crazy?': Validating the Disorienting Feeling of Gaslighting
The conversation ends. The room is quiet, but your mind is a storm of replays and static. Their voice echoes—'You're just being too sensitive.' 'That's not how it happened.' A thick, disorienting fog rolls in, and a cold question settles in your stomach: am I the crazy one in this relationship?
Let’s take a deep breath right here. As your Bestie, Buddy, I want to create a safe harbor for that feeling. That confusion, that dizzying sense of losing your grip on reality, is not a sign of your instability. It's a compass. It is a profound and valid emotional response to a deeply invalidating experience. This feeling is one of the most painful and subtle signs of emotional abuse.
This experience, known as gaslighting, is a form of psychological manipulation designed to erode your trust in yourself. It's the slow, methodical process of someone rewriting your reality and then blaming you for not believing their version. They aren't just disagreeing with you; they are challenging your core ability to perceive, remember, and feel correctly.
So, no. You are not 'crazy.' That feeling of your sanity fraying at the edges is evidence that your intuition is working perfectly. It's an alarm bell ringing, warning you that the ground beneath you is being deliberately made unsteady. That wasn't a simple misunderstanding; that was your brave desire to be understood meeting a tactic designed to confuse you.
The Gaslighter's Playbook: Common Phrases and Tactics
As Buddy validated, the feeling is real. Now, let’s look at the mechanics behind it. This isn't random chaos; it’s a pattern. Gaslighting operates from a playbook of predictable tactics designed to gain power and control. Understanding these tactics is the first step in disarming them.
Clinically, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that makes someone question their memories, perception, and even their sanity. Spotting the specific examples of gaslighting in a relationship can feel like trying to catch smoke, but the phrases they use are often shockingly similar.
Let’s deconstruct the most common gaslighting phrases:
1. Withholding and Denial: "That never happened. You're making things up."
This is the cornerstone of gaslighting. They deny things they said or did, even with evidence to the contrary. The goal is to make you second-guess your own memory until you concede to their version of events. It's a direct assault on your recollection of reality.
2. Minimizing and Trivializing: "You're overreacting. It wasn't a big deal."
This tactic dismisses your emotions as invalid or disproportionate. By framing your hurt as an overreaction, they sidestep accountability and imply that your emotional responses are flawed. This chips away at your ability to trust your own feelings as a reliable source of information.
3. Countering and Blame-Shifting: "You're the one who made me angry. You're lucky I only yelled."
Here, they don't just deny their behavior; they reframe it as a justifiable reaction to something you did. Your legitimate complaint about their actions is twisted into a conversation about your supposed flaws, making you feel responsible for their poor behavior.
Recognizing these phrases is crucial because it helps you understand what are examples of gaslighting in a relationship versus a simple disagreement. A disagreement is about content; gaslighting is about control. And with that, here is your permission slip: You have permission to trust your memory over someone else's convenient revision of history.
Reclaiming Your Reality: Scripts to Shut It Down
Once you can see the pattern, the next move is to shift from emotional reaction to clear-eyed strategy. As Pavo, your social strategist, I want to be clear: the goal here is not to 'win' the argument with a gaslighter. You can't. The game is rigged. The goal is to protect your own reality and disengage from the manipulation. Here is the move.
When you're faced with gaslighting, you need concise, firm, and non-negotiable scripts. These aren't for convincing them; they are for anchoring yourself in your own truth. Here's how to respond to gaslighting effectively.
Step 1: Name Your Truth (Without J.A.D.E.)
J.A.D.E. stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Do not do it. A gaslighter will use your explanations against you. Simply state your position calmly and clearly.
When they deny: Instead of, "Yes it did! You said it on Tuesday!" try, "My memory of that event is different."
When they minimize: Instead of, "It IS a big deal because..." try, "My feelings are not up for debate."
Step 2: Set a Boundary on the Conversation
This is where you take back control. You are ending the circular argument and refusing to participate in the distortion of reality. This is a powerful response when you identify the signs of emotional abuse.
A universal script: "I hear that you see it differently, but I am not going to argue about what happened."
Another option: "We are not going to be productive if we can't agree on the basic facts. Let's talk later when we can both be more respectful."
Step 3: Trust Your Body and Disengage
If the conversation continues to devolve, your final and most powerful move is to walk away. This is not defeat; it is self-preservation. Your nervous system—that knot in your stomach, the heat in your chest—is telling you the situation is unsafe. Trust it.
* The exit line: "This conversation is no longer healthy for me. I'm taking some space."
Using these scripts helps you understand how to respond to gaslighting not as a victim, but as someone who is actively protecting their own peace and sanity. You are refusing to play the game.
FAQ
1. What is the difference between gaslighting and a normal disagreement?
A normal disagreement is about a difference of opinion or perspective. In a healthy argument, both parties can state their case and feelings without one person trying to invalidate the other's reality. Gaslighting, however, is a manipulation tactic where one person systematically undermines the other's perception of reality to gain control, making them question their memory, feelings, and sanity.
2. Can gaslighting be unintentional?
While gaslighting is often a deliberate manipulation tactic used by individuals with narcissistic or controlling tendencies, it can sometimes be a learned behavior. Someone might repeat patterns they grew up with without fully understanding the destructive impact. However, intentional or not, the effect on the victim—confusion, self-doubt, and emotional distress—is the same and is never acceptable.
3. How does long-term gaslighting affect your mental health?
Prolonged exposure to gaslighting can have severe consequences for mental health. It can lead to anxiety, depression, a complete loss of self-confidence, and a feeling of being disconnected from reality. Victims often find it difficult to make decisions and trust their own judgment, and may develop trauma-related conditions like C-PTSD. Rebuilding self-trust after such an experience is a critical part of healing.
References
medicalnewstoday.com — What is gaslighting?