The Kitchen Scene: Why We Bond Over Shared Dislike
Imagine you are standing in a dimly lit kitchen at a house party, the music thumping through the floorboards. You find yourself next to a girl you have barely spoken to all semester, but suddenly, the conversation turns to a mutual acquaintance who recently did both of you dirty. In that instant, the air changes. You are no longer strangers; you are co-conspirators. This is the raw, visceral experience of unlocking the true the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning in real-time. It feels like a rush of adrenaline and dopamine as you exchange knowing glances and whispered grievances. You feel seen and validated because someone else finally mirrors your frustration, turning a lonely resentment into a shared mission.
This phenomenon isn't just about being 'petty' or 'hateful.' It is a survival mechanism that dates back to when humans needed to identify allies in a chaotic environment. In the modern social jungle, especially for those in their early 20s navigating college or first jobs, finding a person who shares your 'foe' can feel like finding a lifeboat in a storm. However, this bond is often built on the shifting sands of external conflict rather than internal values. You aren't necessarily liking each other for who you are, but for who you both collectively dislike. This distinction is crucial because it defines the shelf life of the relationship you are currently building.
When we look at the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning through a psychological lens, we see a 'Bonding by Exclusion' pattern. By creating an 'Out-Group' (the enemy), you and your new ally create an instant 'In-Group.' This provides a temporary sense of belonging and safety, but it is a fragile architecture. If you find yourself in this position, it's important to ask: if the common enemy moved away tomorrow, would we still have anything to talk about? If the answer is a resounding silence, you are in a purely tactical alliance that requires careful management to avoid being burned when the drama inevitably shifts.
Psychologists often refer to this as a triadic relationship that is structurally unstable. While it feels powerful to have someone 'in your corner' against a bully or a toxic manager, the energy is outward-facing. You are fueling your connection with the negative energy of the third party. This creates a high-intensity vibe that can feel like a deep friendship but lacks the foundational trust of a genuine connection. Understanding the nuances of the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning allows you to use these alliances for protection without mistaking them for lifelong loyalty. You are essentially forming a micro-geopolitical pact, and like all pacts, it has terms and conditions that you need to read before signing your emotional safety away.
The Ancient Roots: From Ancient India to the Group Chat
The historical background of this concept is surprisingly deep, proving that humans have been messy for thousands of years. The proverb is often attributed to the Sanskrit treatise 'Arthashastra' by Kautilya, an ancient Indian strategist who was basically the original political mastermind. He understood that in a world of competing kingdoms, you couldn't afford to be picky about your friends if they helped you survive a bigger threat. Understanding the historical the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning helps us realize that our current office or campus dramas are just smaller versions of ancient territorial wars. We are using the same biological hardware to navigate a world of 'likes' and 'unfollows' that kings used to navigate actual battlefields.
In the Middle East, the proverb evolved into variations about brothers and cousins, emphasizing that social distance is relative to the size of the threat. For a 19-year-old navigating a toxic friend group, this means you might find yourself teaming up with a 'frenemy' to deal with a literal 'villain.' It’s a strategic pivot. You are leveraging a secondary conflict to resolve a primary one. This is why the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning resonates so strongly in competitive environments where resources—like social status, promotions, or even the attention of a romantic interest—are perceived as limited.
Socially, this creates what we call 'The Enemy-of-My-Enemy' loop. You see it in pop culture constantly, where two rivals have to team up to defeat a bigger boss. Think of every superhero movie where the hero and villain have a temporary truce. The problem is that once the big boss is gone, the hero and villain go right back to fighting. In your life, this might look like you and a rival colleague banding together to report a toxic supervisor. Once that supervisor is fired, the vacuum of power often turns you and your temporary ally against each other. The historical context reminds us that these alliances are meant to be functional, not necessarily emotional.
By recognizing that the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning is a tool of statecraft (and social-craft), you can strip away some of the guilt you might feel. You aren't being 'fake' by working with someone you don't like; you are being strategic. The key is maintaining your boundaries. Don't share your deepest vulnerabilities with a tactical ally just because you both hate the same person. Keep the alliance focused on the task at hand. If you start treating a tactical partner like a best friend, you risk becoming collateral damage when the social landscape shifts again. Ancient kings knew this, and in the digital age, we have to learn it too.
The Psychology of Triadic Closure and Social Balance
To truly grasp the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning, we have to look at Social Balance Theory, a psychological framework that explains how we crave consistency in our social circles. Developed by Fritz Heider, this theory suggests that our brains prefer 'balanced' triangles. If you (+) like your friend (+), and your friend (+) likes a third person, then for the triangle to be balanced, you (+) should also like that person. However, if you (-) dislike someone and you find out your acquaintance also (-) dislikes them, a 'negative-negative' connection creates a 'positive' bond between the two of you. Your brain literally feels a sense of relief when you find a shared enemy because it resolves a social dissonance.
This is often called 'Triadic Closure.' When two people share a common adversary, their relationship tends to strengthen rapidly because they have a high-stakes topic of conversation that requires trust and secrecy. This 'secret-sharing' is a powerful social glue. It mimics the intimacy of real friendship but without the long-term testing that real trust requires. You are essentially fast-tracking a bond using the heat of a shared conflict. This is why explaining why the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning is rooted in social balance is so important for your mental health—it helps you see that your 'new bestie' might just be a byproduct of a math equation in your brain.
Shared enemy psychology also taps into our 'In-Group/Out-Group' bias. When we have an 'enemy,' our brains release oxytocin when we bond with our 'allies' against them. It feels like a 'us against the world' narrative, which is incredibly seductive. It provides a sense of purpose and identity. You aren't just a student or an intern anymore; you are part of a resistance. This identity upgrade is part of the ego pleasure that makes these alliances so addictive. You feel smarter and more powerful than the person you are gossiping about, which provides a temporary boost to your self-esteem.
However, the dark side of this balance is that it is entirely dependent on the existence of the enemy. If the enemy becomes a friend to one of you, or if the enemy simply disappears, the triangle becomes 'unbalanced' again. Suddenly, you have nothing to talk about, or worse, you start to suspect that your ally is talking about you to someone else. This is where the 'Second-Order Betrayal' happens. Because the bond was built on the act of betrayal or exclusion, you know deep down that your ally is capable of that behavior. This creates a low-level anxiety that permeates the friendship, preventing it from ever reaching true emotional depth.
The Adversarial Alliance: Modern Social Maneuver Strategies
In the fast-paced social world of 18-to-24-year-olds, the modern application of the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning in office politics or university cliques is all about the 'Adversarial Alliance.' This isn't just about gossip; it's about social positioning. Maybe there is a girl in your sorority who is dominating every conversation and making everyone feel small. You might team up with her former best friend—someone you never liked—to shift the group's focus. This is a classic social maneuver. You are using the 'frenemy's' insider knowledge to protect yourself and others from a larger social threat.
This strategy requires a high level of emotional intelligence (EQ). You have to be able to work with someone you don't fully trust toward a common goal without letting your guard down. It’s like a corporate merger between two companies that don't particularly like each other but need each other to beat a market leader. In these situations, the 'friendship' is actually a partnership. You need to treat it with the same professionalism. Set clear goals: 'We are both going to make sure we get credit for our ideas in the meeting so [The Enemy] doesn't steal them.' Once the goal is met, you can retreat to your respective social circles.
One of the biggest mistakes young people make is 'Over-Investing' in these alliances. Because the shared hatred feels so intense, they start 'trauma-dumping' or sharing deep personal secrets with their tactical ally. This is dangerous. A person who is willing to bond over hating someone else is often someone who prioritizes social power over loyalty. If you give them your secrets, you are giving them ammunition that they might use against you later if the 'enemy' of the moment changes. The enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning should be interpreted as 'my ally for this specific season,' not 'my soulmate for life.'
To navigate this effectively, you need to use what I call 'The Gray Rock Method' for your ally while being 'The Iceberg' for your enemy. Be polite and cooperative with your ally, but keep your deepest self hidden (the bottom of the iceberg). This allows you to reap the benefits of the alliance—protection, information, and support—without the risk of being devastated if the alliance collapses. You are playing the long game. Social circles shift constantly at this age, and today's co-conspirator could be tomorrow's rival. Keep your 'true' circle small and your 'tactical' circle functional.
Warning Signs: When the Alliance Becomes Toxic
While these alliances can be useful, there are massive potential traps within the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning that can lead to 'The Second-Order Betrayal.' This happens when you realize that the person you've teamed up with is actually more toxic than the original enemy. You might have been so blinded by your shared dislike of Person A that you ignored the red flags in Person B. Now, Person B has all your secrets and is using the same tactics they used on Person A against you. This is the 'Betrayal Loop,' and it is one of the most painful social experiences you can have because you feel like you 'should have known better.'
One major red flag is if the person only ever wants to talk about the enemy. If every text, every coffee date, and every late-night call is 100% focused on tearing the other person down, you are in a toxic feedback loop. This isn't a friendship; it's a shared obsession. It drains your energy and keeps you stuck in a negative headspace, preventing you from growing or finding actual joy. A healthy alliance should have a goal and an end point. A toxic alliance is a bottomless pit of resentment that eventually consumes both parties.
Another sign of danger is 'Competitive Victimhood.' If your ally constantly tries to prove they were hurt more by the enemy than you were, they are vying for social sympathy rather than actual support. They might eventually turn on you if they feel you are getting 'too much' of the group's attention or pity. This is why the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning can be so deceptive; it feels like solidarity, but it’s often just a competition for who can be the 'biggest victim.' When the enemy is gone, they will need a new person to be the 'villain' in their story, and since you are the closest person to them, you are the most likely candidate.
Finally, watch out for 'Leakage.' If your new ally starts telling you things the enemy said in 'confidence' about you, remember: they are also telling other people things you said in confidence. This is the ultimate proof that the bond is tactical, not loyal. If they are willing to betray the enemy's secrets to you, they will betray your secrets to the next person who joins their 'team.' Understanding the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning means recognizing that the 'friendship' is a tool, and like any tool, it can be turned against the user if not handled with extreme caution.
The Exit Strategy: How to De-escalate and Move On
So, you've realized your alliance has served its purpose or is starting to feel a bit icky. Now you need to know how to navigate the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning without losing yourself or causing a new war. The key is a 'Slow Fade' or 'Strategic De-escalation.' You don't want to make a dramatic 'breakup' speech with a tactical ally because that creates a new enemy. Instead, you want to gradually reduce the intensity of the bond. Start by pivoting the conversation away from the shared enemy. If they bring up the drama, give short, neutral responses like, 'Yeah, that’s tough,' or 'I’m trying to focus on my own stuff lately.'
By removing the 'fuel' (the gossip), you test the strength of the actual relationship. If the other person loses interest in you once you stop engaging in the drama, you have your answer: the bond was 100% tactical. This is a good thing! It allows you to move on without a fight. You are essentially 'starving' the toxicity out of the connection. This requires discipline because gossiping is addictive, but your long-term peace of mind is worth the temporary boredom of not being 'in the loop.'
Another powerful move is 'Active Neutrality.' If the common enemy tries to apologize or change, be open to it, even if your ally isn't. You are your own person with your own boundaries. Don't let your ally's resentment dictate your actions. If you decide to forgive the 'enemy,' your ally might feel betrayed, but that is their emotional weight to carry, not yours. Part of the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning is the pressure to stay loyal to the hate. Breaking that loyalty is the ultimate act of social maturity and self-ownership.
Finally, focus on building 'Value-Based' friendships. These are connections built on shared hobbies, goals, and core beliefs rather than shared enemies. When you fill your life with people you actually like—not just people who hate who you hate—the need for tactical alliances disappears. You start to feel more secure because your social circle isn't built on a foundation of conflict. You are moving past the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning toward genuine trust, which is the only way to build a life that feels authentic and safe.
Conclusion: Finding Real Loyalty in a Strategic World
At the end of the day, navigating the complex social hierarchies of your 20s is about balancing survival with integrity. The proverb 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' is a classic piece of advice for a reason—it works in a pinch. It helps you find allies when you're feeling isolated and gives you the leverage you need to protect yourself from toxic people. But it is a 'Level 1' social strategy. As you grow and develop your Emotional Intelligence, you'll find that 'Level 10' strategy is about not needing enemies at all to feel powerful or connected.
Real loyalty isn't forged in the fire of gossip or mutual dislike. It’s forged in the quiet moments of support, the shared laughs that have nothing to do with anyone else, and the consistent showing up for each other. When you look back on this time in your life, you won't remember the tactical wins you had over a campus rival; you'll remember the friends who stood by you because of who you are, not because of who you were fighting. Moving past the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning toward genuine trust is the ultimate 'glow-up' for your social life.
If you currently find yourself in an adversarial alliance, don't judge yourself. It’s a natural response to a stressful social environment. Use the protection it offers, but keep your eyes open. Be the strategist of your own life, but don't lose your heart in the process. You are learning how to handle the 'Micro-Geopolitics' of adulthood, and that's a valuable skill. Just make sure that when the smoke clears, the people standing next to you are there because they love your light, not because they share your shadow.
Remember, your energy is your most valuable currency. Spending it all on maintaining an alliance based on hate is a poor investment. Instead, use that energy to build a life so full of purpose and positive connection that the 'enemies' become irrelevant. You don't need a common adversary to be a part of a squad. You just need to be yourself and find the people who vibe with that. That is the true evolution of the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning—realizing that your best 'ally' is your own peace of mind.
FAQ
1. Is the enemy of my enemy always my friend in relationships?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning refers to a strategic alliance rather than a genuine emotional connection. In personal relationships, bonding with someone solely because you both dislike the same person is often a red flag for a 'trauma-bond' or a tactical partnership that lacks a foundation of shared values. While it can provide temporary relief and a sense of 'us against the world,' these relationships frequently collapse once the common enemy is no longer a threat. To build a lasting friendship, you must eventually move beyond the shared dislike and find common ground in positive interests and mutual respect.
2. Who originally said the enemy of my enemy is my friend?
The historical origin of the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning is often traced back to the Sanskrit treatise 'Arthashastra' by Kautilya, an ancient Indian philosopher and royal advisor. Written around the 4th century BCE, this text outlined various political and military strategies, including the concept that a neighboring ruler who is also an enemy of your current rival can be considered a natural ally. While the exact wording has changed over centuries and appeared in various cultures—from Arabic proverbs to 19th-century European diplomacy—the core logic remains a staple of human social and political maneuvering.
3. What is the psychology behind bonding over a common enemy?
Triadic closure theory explains how our brains seek balance in social relationships by aligning our feelings with those of our allies. When two people share a negative view of a third party, it creates a 'balanced' social triangle that reduces cognitive dissonance and fosters an immediate sense of intimacy through 'shared exclusion.' This process triggers the release of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, because it creates an 'In-Group' identity. However, this bond is often superficial and 'high-intensity,' meaning it can feel deeper than it actually is because it relies on the 'heat' of the conflict rather than the 'warmth' of genuine affection.
4. How to deal with a friendship based on mutual dislike of someone else?
A common adversary proverb is used to describe a connection that is functional but potentially fragile. If you find your friendship is primarily fueled by gossip and shared resentment, the best approach is to slowly pivot the conversation toward neutral or positive topics to see if the relationship can survive without the 'common enemy' as a crutch. If the other person loses interest or becomes frustrated when you stop engaging in the drama, it is a sign that the friendship was purely tactical. You should maintain boundaries and avoid sharing deep personal vulnerabilities with an ally whose loyalty is based on conflict rather than character.
5. What are the signs of a toxic adversarial alliance?
Toxic friendship signs often include an obsession with the enemy, a lack of conversation about anything other than the shared conflict, and 'competitive victimhood.' If your ally constantly monitors your loyalty to the 'cause' or tries to isolate you from other people who might be neutral toward the enemy, the alliance is becoming harmful to your mental health. Another major red flag is if the ally uses the same manipulative tactics against the enemy that they might eventually use against you. Real friendship involves mutual growth, whereas a toxic alliance keeps both parties stuck in a cycle of negativity and obsession.
6. What is the 'Second-Order Betrayal' in these alliances?
Social maneuver strategy involves understanding that a person who is willing to betray someone else's trust to bond with you is likely to betray your trust to bond with the next person. The 'Second-Order Betrayal' occurs when the common threat disappears and the tactical ally turns their weapons toward you to maintain their own social standing or out of a habit of conflict-seeking behavior. Because the initial bond was formed through the act of exclusion and betrayal, the 'trust' in the relationship is structurally flawed. Being aware of this risk allows you to keep your guard up and avoid giving a tactical partner the 'ammunition' they need to hurt you later.
7. Can an 'enemy of my enemy' bond turn into a real friendship?
Psychological bonding over mutual dislike can occasionally serve as the 'spark' that introduces two people who actually have a lot in common beyond their shared rival. For the relationship to transition into a real friendship, you must consciously choose to stop the gossip and start building a connection based on shared values, hobbies, and support for each other's personal goals. This transition requires 'De-escalating' the drama and 'Re-escalating' the personal intimacy. If the relationship remains stuck in the 'adversarial alliance' phase, it will likely fizzle out or become toxic as soon as the external conflict is resolved.
8. How do I exit a tactical alliance without making a new enemy?
Adversarial alliances usually fail because they are not built on authentic trust, so exiting one requires a 'Strategic De-escalation' rather than a dramatic confrontation. You can achieve this by becoming 'boring' to the other person—offering neutral responses to drama and being 'too busy' for late-night gossip sessions. By slowly removing yourself from the 'conflict-feedback loop,' you allow the relationship to fade naturally. This is often called the 'Gray Rock Method,' and it prevents the ally from feeling personally rejected or attacked, which reduces the chance of them turning you into their next 'enemy.'
9. What is the 'Micro-Geopolitics' of social life?
To identify a fake friend, you must look at how they manage their social hierarchies and whether they use people as pawns in their personal 'wars.' Micro-geopolitics refers to the way we use strategies similar to international diplomacy—alliances, truces, and deterrents—to navigate our daily social environments like school, work, or friend groups. Understanding the enemy of my enemy is my friend meaning as a piece of social-craft helps you de-personalize the drama. It allows you to see social moves for what they are: attempts to gain safety or status in a complex environment, rather than a reflection of your worth as a person.
10. Why do we feel 'ego pleasure' from these alliances?
Long-term social stability requires moving beyond the temporary highs of 'ego pleasure' that come from feeling like a 'master strategist' who has outwitted a rival. We feel a sense of intellectual superiority when we form a secret alliance because it activates the brain's reward system associated with social success and 'In-Group' dominance. This 'Master Strategist' fantasy makes us feel untouchable and powerful in the face of a bully. However, this pleasure is fleeting and often masks deep-seated insecurities. True confidence comes from having high-quality, stable connections that don't depend on the downfall of others to feel secure.
References
casssunstein.substack.com — The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend - Cass Sunstein
linkedin.com — Social Balance Theory and Triangular Relationships
quora.com — Quora Personal Dynamics: Is the enemy of my enemy truly a friend?