What to Say to Someone Who is Struggling Mentally: 25+ Phrases

The Support Script Library: 25+ Phrases for Connection

To offer genuine support, you need a toolkit of phrases that bridge the gap between your heart and their pain. Below are the most effective, research-backed scripts for various levels of closeness and crisis.

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit quieter lately, and I just wanted to check in and see how you’re really doing.”
• “You don’t have to explain anything to me, but I’m here to listen if you ever want to vent.”
• “It makes sense that you feel overwhelmed given everything on your plate right now.”
• “I’m not here to fix it, I’m just here to sit in the dark with you for a while.”
• “What is one small thing I can do for you today—can I bring you coffee or run a quick errand?”
• “I love you, and I’m proud of how hard you’re working through this.”
• “That sounds incredibly heavy. How are you holding up under all that pressure?”
• “I’m always in your corner, no matter what.”
• “You’re not a burden for having a hard time. That’s what friends are for.”
• “I don’t have the right words, but I have a listening ear and a lot of time.”
• “Can we just hang out? We don’t even have to talk if you’re not up for it.”
• “I’m sending you so much love today. No need to reply, just wanted you to know.”
• “It’s okay to not be okay right now. Don’t rush yourself to feel better.”
• “I’ve been thinking about you all morning. How’s your heart feeling?”
• “If you need to disappear for a bit to recharge, I’ll be right here when you get back.”
• “What does support look like for you today? Space, or a distraction?”
• “I can’t imagine exactly how you feel, but I can see that you’re hurting.”
• “You are so much more than this struggle you’re going through.”
• “I’m here for the long haul. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
• “Let’s go for a walk or just sit outside for five minutes—only if you feel up to it.”
• “I’m really glad you shared this with me. Thank you for trusting me.”
• “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to be distracted from it?”
• “It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling this way.”
• “I believe in you, and I know you’re doing the best you can.”
• “If things feel like too much, I can help you look for some extra support or resources.”

You are sitting in a dimly lit living room, the only sound the soft hum of the refrigerator and the heavy, rhythmic breathing of a friend who hasn't looked up from their lap in twenty minutes. The air feels thick with things unsaid, a tangible weight that makes your own chest tighten with a desperate urge to say something—anything—to break the spell of their sadness. You reach out, your fingers brushing the cool fabric of their sleeve, and for a moment, the world shrinks down to just this shared space of quiet vulnerability. This is the 'shadow pain'—the agonizing helplessness of watching someone you love drift into a sea of mental distress where you aren't sure if your words are a life raft or an anchor.

When we ask what to say to someone who is struggling mentally, we are often trying to soothe our own anxiety about their pain as much as we are trying to soothe theirs. We fear that the wrong syllable will trigger a deeper withdrawal or that our silence will be interpreted as indifference. However, the most profound support doesn't come from a perfect script but from the willingness to stay present in the discomfort. By naming the pattern of their struggle without judgment, you validate their reality, which is the first step toward psychological safety.

This library of phrases is designed to be your compass. Use them as starting points, but always listen more than you speak. The goal is to create a 'holding environment' where your friend feels that their messiness is allowed and their pain is seen. Whether it's a soft text or a quiet conversation on a park bench, your presence is the most powerful tool in your possession.

Recognizing the Pattern: How to Tell if Someone is Struggling

Before you can offer the right words, you must understand the subtle language of mental distress. Recognizing the warning signs early allows you to intervene with more precision and empathy.

• Withdrawal from social circles or hobbies they once loved.
• A noticeable shift in sleep patterns—either constant fatigue or insomnia.
• Changes in hygiene or self-care routines that seem out of character.
• Increased irritability or 'thin skin' during casual conversations.
• Statements of hopelessness or feeling like a 'burden' to others.

Psychologically, when a person is struggling, their world often shrinks. They may feel a sense of 'ego-constriction,' where the pain becomes so loud it drowns out their ability to see a future or remember their strengths. When you notice these shifts, the most empathetic approach is to describe what you see without diagnosing it. For example, saying 'I’ve noticed you’ve been staying in more' is far more effective than asking 'Are you depressed?'

This stage is about observation and soft inquiry. You are looking for the gap between who they usually are and how they are showing up now. This gap is where the struggle lives, and by acknowledging it gently, you give them permission to stop pretending everything is fine. It’s about creating a soft landing for the truth they might be too exhausted to carry alone.

The Psychology of Being Heard: Why Validation Matters

The most powerful mechanism in mental health support is not advice—it is validation. When you validate someone, you are communicating that their internal experience is valid, logical, and heard.

• reflective listening: Repeating back what they said in your own words to ensure clarity.
• Validation: Acknowledging the weight of their feelings without trying to minimize them.
• Open-ended Inquiries: Asking 'how' or 'what' instead of 'why' to avoid sounding accusatory.
• comfortable silence: Allowing space for them to process without rushing to fill the void.

Validation works because it lowers the body's physiological stress response. When we feel misunderstood or dismissed (even with well-intentioned 'toxic positivity'), our nervous system stays in a state of high alert. Phrases like 'I can see why that would be so hard' actually help regulate the other person's heart rate and cortisol levels. It signals to their brain that they are no longer under threat from isolation.

Instead of searching for a solution, focus on 'sitting in the muck' with them. This doesn't mean you take on their pain, but rather that you acknowledge the muck is real and it is messy. This builds a foundation of trust that is essential if they eventually need to transition toward seeking professional help. You are the bridge between their isolation and the support they need.

Conversational Red Flags: What Not to Say

Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is avoid the common conversational traps that inadvertently shut down communication or make the person feel worse.

• Avoid 'Toxic Positivity': Phrases like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'just look on the bright side.'
• Skip the Comparisons: Avoid saying 'I know exactly how you feel' followed by your own long story.
• Don't Play Doctor: Refrain from giving unsolicited medical advice or diagnosing their condition.
• Stop the 'Shoulds': 'You should try yoga' or 'You should get out more' often feels like an added demand.
• Never Minimize: 'It could be worse' or 'Other people have it harder' invalidates their current pain.

When we use these red-flag phrases, we are often trying to fix the situation because their pain makes us uncomfortable. We want them to feel better so we can feel better. Recognizing this internal urge is key to becoming a better supporter. If you feel the urge to say 'everything will be fine,' take a breath and instead try 'this is really hard right now, isn't it?'

By avoiding these pitfalls, you maintain the psychological safety of the conversation. You show them that you are strong enough to handle their reality, however dark it might be. This prevents them from feeling like they need to 'mask' their symptoms just to keep you comfortable.

Professional Support Guide: When and How to Bridge the Gap

There comes a point where even the most supportive friend must help transition the conversation toward professional care. Use this guide to understand the different levels of support available.

Suggesting professional help can be nerve-wracking. The key is to frame it as an 'and,' not an 'instead of.' You are saying 'I am here for you AND I want you to have the best tools possible.' This reduces the fear that you are 'passing them off' to someone else. It reinforces that their well-being is the priority.

When you offer these resources, do it with a gentle hand. Offer to sit in the room while they make the call or to help them research therapists that take their insurance. Practical support often speaks louder than emotional support during a crisis.

Digital vs. Physical Presence: Choosing Your Medium

In our digital age, the way we check in matters. A text message can be a gentle tether to the world for someone who is too exhausted for a phone call.

• The 'No Pressure' Text: 'Thinking of you. No need to reply, just sending love.'
• The Specific Offer: 'I'm heading to the grocery store—what can I drop on your porch?'
• The Shared Memory: 'Saw this and thought of you. Remember that time we...'
• The In-Person Low-Energy Hang: 'Can I come over and we just watch a movie? I'll bring the snacks.'
• The Boundary Check: 'I want to be here for you, but I'm also feeling a bit drained. Can we talk tomorrow?'

Texting allows the person to respond when they have the energy, which is crucial for those dealing with depression or social anxiety. It removes the 'performance' aspect of a real-time conversation. However, if you haven't heard back in a few days, a gentle follow-up like 'Still thinking of you, hope today is a bit kinder' can remind them they aren't forgotten.

In-person support, on the other hand, is about shared presence. Sometimes, just sitting in the same room while you both read or scroll through your phones can be incredibly grounding. It provides a sense of 'co-regulation' where your calm presence helps settle their agitated nervous system. The medium you choose should depend on their current energy levels and your historical way of communicating.

FAQ

1. How to check in on someone without being annoying?

To check in on someone without being annoying, use 'no-pressure' language that explicitly states they don't have to reply. Focus on small, consistent gestures rather than frequent, demanding questions like 'are you okay?' which can feel like an obligation to perform for you.

2. What to text a friend who is depressed?

When texting a friend who is depressed, focus on validation and low-demand connection. Use phrases like 'I'm sending you so much love today' or 'I'm here whenever you're ready to talk,' which shows you're present without forcing them to exert energy they don't have.

3. How to support a partner with anxiety?

Supporting a partner with anxiety involves staying calm and grounding yourself first. Ask them 'What do you need right now—distraction or to talk through it?' and avoid telling them to 'just relax,' which often increases their internal pressure.

4. What are the signs your friend is struggling mentally?

Signs your friend is struggling mentally often include withdrawal from social activities, changes in their usual communication frequency, increased irritability, or neglecting their personal hygiene and living space. Pay attention to shifts that feel 'off' compared to their normal personality.

5. What is the best way to ask someone if they are okay?

The best way to ask someone if they are okay is to be specific about what you've noticed. Instead of a general 'how are you?', try saying 'I've noticed you've been a bit quiet lately and I wanted to see how you're really doing.' This shows you're paying attention.

6. What should you not say to someone with depression?

You should not say things like 'just stay positive,' 'it could be worse,' or 'I know how you feel' followed by your own story. These phrases minimize their experience and can make them feel more isolated in their pain.

7. How to encourage someone to see a therapist?

Encourage someone to see a therapist by framing it as a tool for their well-being rather than a 'fix' for a problem. You might say 'I've seen how much you're carrying, and I wonder if talking to a professional might give you some extra support.' Offer to help them find someone or sit with them during the first call.

8. What to say when someone says they aren't okay?

When someone says they aren't okay, the first step is to validate their honesty. Say something like 'Thank you for telling me. That sounds really hard, and I'm here to listen if you want to share more.' Avoid immediately jumping into problem-solving mode.

9. How do you support someone from a distance?

Supporting someone from a distance requires intentionality. Send physical care packages, schedule regular low-pressure video calls, or send 'thinking of you' texts. Use voice notes to provide a more personal touch that feels closer than text.

10. How to follow up after a mental health conversation?

Follow up after a mental health conversation by checking in a day or two later. A simple 'I've been thinking about our talk the other day and just wanted to see how you're feeling today' shows that you were truly listening and that you still care.

References

nami.org — NAMI: What to Do When Someone Shares They're Struggling

mentalhealthfirstaid.org — Mental Health First Aid: How to Help Someone

mentalhealth.org.uk — Mental Health Foundation: Supporting Someone