The Lonely Feeling of Being a Stranger to Yourself
It’s a strange, quiet kind of isolation. You’re at a party, and a friend is telling a story so funny that everyone is bent over, tears streaming down their faces. You see it, you understand the punchline, but the feeling itself doesn’t land. It’s like watching a movie in a foreign language with the subtitles on; you get the plot, but you miss the music.
Or it’s the opposite: a somber moment, a shared loss, and the room is thick with a grief you can only observe. People hug, they cry, and you feel a pressure to perform the right emotion, but inside, there’s just… static. This experience, this constant emotional numbness, isn’t a choice. It's a profound and often lonely state of being.
As our emotional anchor Buddy would say, “That isn't a flaw in your character; that's the sound of a part of you trying to keep you safe.” This difficulty identifying feelings can make you feel like a stranger in your own skin, disconnected from the very things that are supposed to make us human. Please know, you’re not broken. You’re just speaking a different internal language, one that we can begin to translate.
Alexithymia Explained: When Your Brain's 'Feeling' Words Are Missing
This experience has a name, and naming it is the first step toward understanding. Our sense-maker, Cory, encourages us to look at the pattern: “This isn't a personal failure; it’s a cognitive framework. Let’s map it out.” At its core, the answer to what is alexithymia is that it's a personality trait characterized by a significant challenge in feeling and naming one's own emotions.
According to experts, alexithymia isn't a mental health disorder in itself but a subclinical trait, meaning it can exist on a spectrum. People who score high on an alexithymia test often exhibit a few key characteristics. One is a cognitive style described as externally oriented thinking. This means you might process the world in a very logical, concrete way, focusing on external events and facts rather than your internal, subjective experience. When asked how a stressful meeting went, you might detail who said what, but not that your stomach was in knots.
Another common trait is a poverty of fantasy life. This doesn’t mean you’re not creative, but you may spend less time daydreaming or exploring rich, imaginative inner worlds. For many, there's a strong link between trauma and alexithymia. As a protective measure against overwhelming pain, the brain can effectively turn down the volume on all emotions, leading to what feels like causes of emotional illiteracy. You develop a trouble describing emotions to others because you genuinely lack the vocabulary for your own internal state.
Understanding what is alexithymia means recognizing it as a processing difference, not a defect. It's a disconnect between the body's signals and the mind's interpretation. Cory offers a permission slip here: “You have permission to not have the words yet. Learning a new language takes time, especially when that language is your own.”
How to Start Learning Your Emotional Language: A Practical First Step
Once you have a name for the pattern, you can build a strategy to navigate it. Our social strategist, Pavo, always says, “Feelings are data. If you can’t read the data, you can’t make the move.” So, let’s get you a tool to start reading that data. The goal isn’t to suddenly feel everything at once, but to begin building an emotional vocabulary, one word at a time.
One of the most effective and straightforward tools is the Feelings Wheel. Think of it as a Rosetta Stone for your inner world. It’s designed to help you move beyond basic words like “mad” or “sad” into more nuanced territory, which is crucial if you have difficulty identifying feelings.
Here is the move, step-by-step:
Step 1: Start from the Center. The core of the wheel has basic emotions like Sad, Happy, Angry, Fearful. When you feel something—even if it’s just a vague physical sensation like a tight chest or a hot face—look at these core words. Which one feels even 1% closer to the sensation than the others?
Step 2: Move to the Outer Rings. Once you’ve picked a core feeling, say “Fearful,” look at the words in the next ring connected to it. Do any of these resonate more? Words like “Anxious” or “Insecure.” This process helps you drill down and find a more precise label for your experience. Knowing exactly what is alexithymia allows you to see this isn't about forcing a feeling, but about labeling a sensation.
Step 3: Connect Word to Body. Now that you have a word, like “Anxious,” close your eyes and ask, “Where does anxious live in my body?” Is it a flutter in your stomach? A tension in your shoulders? This practice starts to rebuild the bridge between your cognitive mind and your emotional, physical self. Over time, this makes it easier to manage emotional numbness and address the trouble describing emotions to others with more clarity.
FAQ
1. Is alexithymia a mental illness?
No, alexithymia is not classified as a mental illness. It is considered a personality trait or a subclinical condition that describes a difficulty in identifying and describing emotions. However, it can co-occur with certain mental health conditions like depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorders.
2. Can you feel love if you have alexithymia?
Yes, individuals with alexithymia can and do feel love and attachment. They may, however, struggle to verbalize these feelings and might express affection in more practical, action-oriented ways, such as providing support or doing acts of service, rather than through emotional declarations.
3. What is an example of 'externally oriented thinking'?
An example would be describing a traumatic car accident by focusing exclusively on the logistical details—the time of day, the make and model of the cars, the speed of impact—while completely omitting any mention of feeling scared, shocked, or panicked during or after the event.
4. How is an alexithymia test different from a clinical diagnosis?
An alexithymia test, like the Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20), is a self-report questionnaire that helps you gauge where you might fall on the alexithymia spectrum. It's a tool for self-insight. A clinical diagnosis for any co-occurring condition would be made by a qualified mental health professional through comprehensive evaluation.
References
medicalnewstoday.com — What is alexithymia? - Medical News Today