The 'Et Tu, Brute?' Betrayal: When Sisterhood Feels Like Sabotage
It’s a specific kind of quiet that follows. The kind that fills the space after you’ve shared something bright and hopeful—a new relationship, a promotion, a personal win—only to be met with a comment that feels less like a compliment and more like a carefully aimed dart.
Maybe it was, “Wow, he’s not who I would have pictured for you, but I’m happy if you’re happy.” Or, “That’s a huge role, aren’t you worried about the stress?” The words sound supportive, but the feeling they leave behind is cold, a prickle of doubt and shame that settles deep in your gut. This is the unique sting that comes from women tearing other women down, especially when it comes from someone you expected to be in your corner.
Let’s take a deep breath here, because our emotional anchor, Buddy, wants you to hear this first and foremost: That hurt you’re feeling isn’t an overreaction. It’s a legitimate sense of betrayal. It’s the pain of expecting a safe harbor and getting a critique instead. The judgment of physical appearance by women, or the subtle questioning of your competence, feels so much sharper when it comes from a perceived ally. That wasn’t just a comment; that was your brave desire for connection being met with a reminder of unspoken rules and hierarchies.
Moving from Hurt to Understanding
Feeling that sting is one thing; understanding the poison on the dart is another. To truly protect your peace and navigate these complex interactions, we need to move beyond the feeling of betrayal and into the mechanics of why it happens. This isn't about excusing the behavior, but about dismantling its power over you. To do that, we have to look at the invisible architecture that shapes these painful moments.
The Unseen Enemy: What Is Internalized Misogyny and How Does It Work?
Alright, let's cut through the noise. Our realist, Vix, is here to perform some reality surgery. That 'well-meaning' friend isn’t just being catty. She’s often an unwitting agent of a much larger system. This is the brutal truth of internalized misogyny in female dynamics.
Internalized misogyny, or what researchers call internalized sexism, is what happens when women subconsciously absorb and enforce the sexist attitudes and patriarchal standards that are prevalent in society. It's a defense mechanism, a twisted way of trying to gain power or safety within a system that fundamentally devalues the feminine. The American Psychological Association notes that the harmful effects of sexism impact everyone, creating a social environment where these toxic beliefs are recycled.
This isn't just about men hating women; it's about a culture that teaches women to see each other as competition. It’s the scarcity mindset in female friendships—the lie that there’s only one seat at the table, one 'cool girl' spot, one 'successful woman' trophy. So, when a woman criticizes your choices, she is often unconsciously upholding patriarchal standards for women. She’s checking to see if you’re following the rules she was taught she had to follow. The feminist criticism of women you sometimes see isn't a failure of feminism; it's a symptom of this deep, societal programming. It’s the system working exactly as designed: keeping us divided.
From Diagnosis to Action Plan
Vix has laid out the hard truth. But truth without a strategy is just another source of pain. Understanding the psychology of female competition is critical, but it isn't enough to change the feeling in the room. Now, let's build the 'how.' How do you respond in the moment? How do you protect your energy and cultivate genuine support? It's time to shift from diagnosis to a clear, actionable plan.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Rise Above the Judgment and Foster Real Support
Emotion is data, not a directive. Our strategist, Pavo, insists that understanding the game is the first step to winning it—or deciding not to play at all. Here is the move to reclaim your power and break the cycle of internalized misogyny in female dynamics.
Step 1: Conduct an Internal Audit.
Before you can effectively respond to it in others, you must recognize it in yourself. Where have you judged another woman for her appearance, her ambition, or her relationship choices? This isn't about shame; it's about awareness. Recognizing your own programming is the first step to deactivating it.
Step 2: Deploy the High-EQ Script.
When you receive a backhanded compliment or a judgmental comment, getting defensive cedes your power. Instead, use calm curiosity to put the focus back on them. Pavo’s script is simple but effective:
If they say: “You’re so brave to wear that.”
You say, calmly: “What's brave about it?”
If they say: “I could never let my career get that intense.”
You say, with a neutral tone: “What about it seems intense to you?”
This forces them to examine the belief behind their statement. It’s non-confrontational but incredibly clarifying. You are not accepting their frame; you are asking them to justify it.
Step 3: Curate Your Inner Circle.
Treat your social energy like a valuable asset. Observe who claps when you win, who asks clarifying questions instead of making assumptions, and who can celebrate your success without immediately relating it back to their own insecurities. True support is not the absence of critique; it’s the presence of unwavering positive intent. Invest your time in the women who are playing a different game—one of mutual growth, not a zero-sum competition.
FAQ
1. What are some common examples of internalized misogyny?
Common examples include judging other women harshly for their appearance or clothing choices, slut-shaming, believing there is a 'right' way to be a woman, or seeing other women's success primarily as a threat to your own. It can also manifest as a preference for male leadership or friendships because they are perceived as 'less drama.'
2. How is internalized misogyny different from simple jealousy?
While jealousy can be a component, it's more systemic. Jealousy is often about wanting what someone else has. Internalized misogyny is about enforcing a set of unwritten societal rules and standards for women. You might not want what the other woman has, but you judge her for breaking the 'rules' you feel compelled to follow.
3. Why do some self-proclaimed feminists criticize other women's choices?
This is a painful contradiction that often stems from the same root. Even with a conscious belief in equality, deep-seated societal programming about what is 'acceptable' for women can be hard to unlearn. It highlights how pervasive internalized misogyny in female dynamics is, operating even when our conscious values are feminist.
4. Can I address internalized misogyny in a friendship without ending it?
Absolutely. Using strategic, non-confrontational questions like, 'What makes you say that?' or 'Can you explain what you mean?' can open a dialogue instead of starting a fight. It gives your friend a chance to reflect on their own biases. If the pattern continues, however, you may need to set boundaries to protect your well-being.
References
en.wikipedia.org — Internalized sexism - Wikipedia
apa.org — Harmful effects of sexism go both ways