The Helplessness of Wanting to Help
Your phone buzzes. It’s a text from a friend you care about deeply, and it just says, 'Are you free to talk?' Instantly, a knot forms in your stomach. You want to be there, you want to say the right thing, but there's a quiet panic that you'll somehow make it worse. You’re not just looking for a list of tips; you’re looking for a way to show up that feels authentic and genuinely useful.
This feeling—a mix of deep care and profound uncertainty—is the entry point for anyone learning how to help someone with anxiety or supporting a friend in crisis. The common advice to 'just be there' feels vague and insufficient. What does that actually look like when someone is spiraling, when their thoughts are a tangled mess, and your own words feel clumsy and inadequate?
This isn't about finding a magic phrase. It's about shifting your entire approach from fixing to connecting. It's about learning what to say to someone who is struggling, but more importantly, it's about mastering the art of listening and holding space—a skill that requires more strength and self-awareness than you might think.
First, Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask
Let’s get one thing straight. You are not a superhero. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Our realist, Vix, would be the first to tell you that the most common mistake in trying to help someone is forgetting that you are also a person with limits.
Your ability to genuinely show up for someone else is directly tied to your own emotional reserves. If you're running on empty, your 'help' will be tinged with resentment, exhaustion, and impatience. That's not help; it's a transaction where you're secretly hoping they'll feel better fast so you can finally rest.
Recognizing the signs of caregiver burnout is not selfish; it's essential for sustainable support. Are you feeling irritable? Are you struggling to sleep because you've absorbed their stress? Are you starting to feel like their well-being is your personal responsibility? These are warning signs. Setting boundaries isn't about pushing them away; it's about ensuring you can stay in the ring with them for the long haul. Your capacity to help someone with anxiety is a finite resource. Protect it.
The Art of 'Being With' vs. 'Fixing It'
Once you've secured your own oxygen mask, you can focus on the heart of the matter. As our emotional anchor, Buddy, always reminds us, people in pain don't need a mechanic; they need a harbor. Your instinct will be to offer solutions, to brainstorm fixes, to find the silver lining. Gently, lovingly, set that instinct aside.
This is the critical difference between fixing and `holding space for someone`. Fixing sends an implicit message: 'Your feelings are a problem to be solved.' Holding space says, 'Your feelings are valid, and I am not afraid to sit with you in them.' This is one of the most powerful ways how to help someone with anxiety, because anxiety often comes with a deep fear of being a burden.
Embrace `active listening techniques`. This means you're not just waiting for your turn to talk. You are listening to understand. A simple but transformative technique is reflective listening. When they pause, try saying, 'It sounds like you're feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now.' This does two things: it validates their emotion and shows them you are truly hearing them. It's a powerful tool for anyone learning how to be a better listener.
Crucially, this means `avoiding toxic positivity` at all costs. Phrases like 'Look on the bright side,' 'Everything happens for a reason,' or 'It could be worse' are conversational dead ends. They shut down the emotion and leave the person feeling isolated. Your job is not to cheerlead them out of their feelings, but to stand with them inside of them.
Practical Support: Your Go-To 'Help Menu'
Emotional presence is the foundation, but practical action is how you build the house. Our strategist, Pavo, insists that good intentions must be converted into a clear plan. The single most unhelpful phrase in the English language is 'Let me know if you need anything.' This puts the burden of identifying a need, formulating a request, and having the energy to ask entirely on the person who is already struggling.
Effective support is specific and removes the cognitive load from your friend. Instead of an open-ended offer, provide a 'menu' of concrete options. This is how to help someone with anxiety in a way that truly lightens their load.
Here is the move. Shift from passive offers to active, specific suggestions:
Instead of: "Let me know if you need anything."
Try: "I'm heading to the grocery store tomorrow. Send me your list."
Instead of: "How are you doing?"
Try: "Thinking of you today. No pressure to reply, just wanted you to know."
* Instead of: "We should hang out soon."
Try: "I have free time on Wednesday evening. Can I drop off dinner or just come sit with you while we watch a show?"
These scripts transform a vague sentiment into a tangible act of service. It shows you've thought about their situation and are making it as easy as possible for them to accept help. This is the strategy behind `supporting a friend in crisis` effectively—you become a resource, not another task on their to-do list.
FAQ
1. What if the person I'm trying to help pushes me away?
It's important not to take it personally. When someone is in deep anxiety or crisis, isolation can feel like a defense mechanism. Respect their need for space, but continue to offer low-pressure support. A text like, 'No need to reply, just thinking of you,' can be a powerful reminder that you're still there without demanding anything from them.
2. How do I support someone with anxiety without enabling their avoidance?
This is a delicate balance. The key is to validate their feelings without validating the avoidance itself. Instead of saying, 'It's okay, you don't have to go,' you could say, 'I understand that going feels completely overwhelming right now. What's one tiny part of it that feels even slightly manageable? I'll be right there with you.'
3. What are some key phrases to avoid when someone is struggling?
Avoid any phrase that minimizes their feelings or rushes them toward a solution. This includes toxic positivity like 'Just be positive!' or 'It could be worse.' Also, avoid starting sentences with 'At least...' as it immediately invalidates their current pain. The goal is to join them where they are, not pull them to where you think they should be.
4. How can I help if I'm also struggling with my own mental health?
Honesty and boundaries are crucial. It's okay to say, 'I care about you so much, and I'm also in a low-energy place myself right now. I might not be able to talk on the phone for an hour, but can I send you a funny meme every day to let you know I'm thinking of you?' Offering support within your capacity is far more sustainable and helpful than over-promising and burning out.
References
nytimes.com — How to Help a Friend or Family Member Who's Going Through a Tough Time