It's Not Just in Your Head: Why Your Reactions Feel So Big
Let’s start with a deep breath. Right here. In this moment. It’s that feeling, isn’t it? The quiet panic that floods your system when a text is left on 'read' for too long. The jolt of anxiety when a partner says they need some space. It feels less like disappointment and more like a five-alarm fire in your nervous system. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not 'too sensitive.'
What you're likely experiencing is the echo of an old wound. As our emotional anchor Buddy would say, “That isn’t a flaw in your character; that’s the brave echo of a time you had to be hyper-vigilant to survive.” These intense reactions are often a hallmark of unresolved abandonment trauma from childhood.
When a present-day event, no matter how small, mirrors a past experience of being left, unseen, or uncared for, it can trigger what experts call an emotional flashback. Unlike a cinematic flashback, you don't necessarily see images of the past. Instead, you feel the raw, unfiltered emotions of that forsaken child—the terror, the shame, the profound loneliness. Your body doesn’t know the difference between then and now; it just knows the danger feels the same.
The core of this pain often stems from childhood emotional neglect symptoms, where your emotional needs weren't met, even if your physical needs were. It’s the pain of having no one to help you process big feelings, leaving you alone to navigate a scary internal world. So, when that wave of panic hits, know this: It’s a message from a younger part of you who is still scared. And the first step is simply to acknowledge the feeling without judgment. It is real, it is valid, and it is a map pointing toward what needs healing.
Connecting the Dots: How a Forsaken Childhood Shows Up in Adulthood
It can be confusing when the survival strategies you learned as a child begin to cause problems in your adult life. Our sense-maker, Cory, encourages us to look at these behaviors not as personal failings, but as logical patterns. “This isn’t random,” he’d observe. “It's a cycle. Let’s look at the underlying blueprint.” The blueprint for abandonment trauma from childhood often builds a specific kind of architecture in our relationships and sense of self.
Do any of these signs of abandonment issues in adults feel familiar? You might find yourself in a constant state of people-pleasing, believing your worth is conditional on how useful you are to others. Or perhaps you swing to the other extreme: a fierce hyper-independence where asking for help feels like a catastrophic failure. Many with these inner child wounds develop a fearful avoidant attachment style; you crave intimacy desperately but are simultaneously terrified of it, pushing people away just as they get close to avoid the inevitable pain of being left.
These are not just quirks; they can be considered C-PTSD symptoms stemming from prolonged emotional distress. The constant fear of being forsaken creates a state of chronic stress that impacts how you see yourself and the world. You might self-sabotage promotions, relationships, or opportunities because a deep part of you doesn't believe you deserve them, or because ending things on your own terms feels safer than being left again. This is the painful legacy of abandonment trauma from childhood.
Cory’s work is about reframing this pain into clarity. He offers this permission slip: “You have permission to see these behaviors not as character flaws, but as brilliant survival strategies that you no longer need.” Recognizing these patterns is the first, most crucial step in dismantling them. You can't heal what you can't see. And now, you're beginning to see.
Meeting Your Inner Child: A First Step Toward Healing
Now that we’ve looked at the patterns, it’s time to turn inward, gently. Our mystic, Luna, reminds us that healing isn't about erasing the past, but about integrating it. She often speaks of the 'inner child'—not as a metaphor, but as the living, breathing part of your consciousness that holds the memories, emotions, and beliefs from your youth. When you feel that disproportionate panic, that is your inner child crying out.
Addressing abandonment trauma from childhood involves a process often called 'reparenting yourself.' This doesn't require grand gestures. It begins with a quiet conversation. The healing the mother wound or father wound starts by you becoming the safe, consistent presence you always needed. You are the parent you’ve been waiting for.
Luna suggests we approach this not as a task, but as a sacred meeting. Here is a simple, gentle exercise to begin that connection:
Step 1: Find a quiet space.
Find five minutes where you won't be interrupted. Sit comfortably. You can close your eyes if that feels safe.
Step 2: Visualize your younger self.
Imagine a younger version of you. Maybe they are the age you remember feeling most alone. Don’t force the image. Just see who appears. Notice what they're wearing, their expression, the energy around them.
Step 3: Offer a single, simple truth.
Don't try to fix their problems or change their past. Your only job right now is to bear witness. In your mind, or softly out loud, say to them: “I see you. I’m here now. You are not alone anymore.”
That’s it. Just stay with that feeling for a moment. This is one of the most fundamental reparenting yourself exercises. It is the beginning of rebuilding trust within yourself and showing that wounded part of you that help has finally arrived. This is the first step in healing the deepest roots of abandonment trauma from childhood.
FAQ
1. What's the difference between abandonment issues and abandonment trauma?
While related, 'abandonment issues' often refers to a pattern of behaviors and anxieties in relationships, like fear of intimacy or clinginess. 'Abandonment trauma' points to the deeper, root cause—a specific or ongoing experience of neglect or being left behind, often in childhood, that creates a lasting impact on the nervous system and can lead to symptoms of C-PTSD.
2. Can you have abandonment trauma without being physically left alone as a child?
Absolutely. This is the core of childhood emotional neglect. A child can have all their physical needs met but feel emotionally forsaken if their caregivers are unavailable, dismissive, or unable to connect with and validate their feelings. The trauma comes from the profound loneliness of navigating your inner world alone.
3. Is healing from abandonment trauma from childhood actually possible?
Yes, healing is entirely possible. It is a process of learning to give yourself the safety, validation, and compassion you didn't receive. Through therapeutic work, understanding your attachment style, and practicing 'reparenting' exercises, you can build new neural pathways and develop a secure, loving relationship with yourself and others.
4. What are some simple reparenting yourself exercises I can start with?
Beyond the visualization exercise in this article, you can start by checking in with yourself and asking, 'What do I need right now?' It could be a glass of water, a five-minute stretch, or speaking to yourself with a kinder inner voice. Another powerful exercise is celebrating small wins, giving yourself the praise and encouragement you may have craved as a child.
References
choosingtherapy.com — What Is Abandonment Trauma? Signs, Symptoms, & Healing