The Quiet Ache of the Late-Night Scroll
It’s 11 PM. The blue light from your phone paints shadows across the room as you scroll, thumb moving in a rhythm you don’t even notice anymore. You see it: a perfectly filtered video of a surprise picnic at sunset, a caption dotted with #RelationshipGoals, a comment section filled with 'I want this.'
A quiet, familiar ache settles in your chest. It’s not envy, exactly. It's a heavier, more complicated feeling—a sense of lack. You glance over at your partner, asleep or maybe just watching TV in the other room. You love them. But your life together doesn't look like that reel. Your picnics have ants, your conversations are sometimes about who forgot to buy milk, and your romantic moments aren't staged for an audience. This growing chasm between the digital ideal and your lived reality is the breeding ground for unrealistic expectations in relationships, a subtle poison that can make even a good love feel like it's not enough.
The 'Comparison Trap': How Social Media Steals Your Joy
Let’s just name that feeling, right here, right now. It’s a form of grief. You’re grieving a fantasy that was sold to you as an attainable reality. Our emotional anchor, Buddy, would wrap a warm blanket around you and say, 'Of course it hurts. You’re not crazy for feeling this way.'
This isn't just about a cute video; it's about the pervasive 'perfect boyfriend myth'—a cultural script that suggests love should be a constant stream of grand gestures and cinematic moments. When your daily reality involves navigating chores, budgets, and bad moods, it's easy to feel like you're failing. The truth is, unrealistic expectations in relationships are magnified by platforms designed to showcase curated perfection.
That feeling of inadequacy isn't a sign your relationship is broken; it’s a sign the measuring stick is. You’re comparing your raw, unedited, behind-the-scenes footage to someone else’s highlight reel. What you’re feeling isn’t a lack of love, but the exhaustion that comes from comparing your relationship to others. The desire behind that comparison is pure: you want to feel cherished, seen, and part of something beautiful. That desire is valid, even if the method of comparison is hurting you.
Deconstructing the Myth: The Psychology Behind the Screen
Feeling seen in this pain is the first step. But to truly reclaim your peace, we need to move beyond the feeling and into understanding the machine that powers it. This is where we bring in our Mastermind, Cory, to look at the psychological mechanics at play.
'This isn't your fault; it's a feature of our digital environment,' Cory would explain. 'What you're experiencing is a well-documented phenomenon known as Social Comparison Theory.' Specifically, you’re engaging in 'upward social comparison'—judging yourself against people who appear to be better off. Social media algorithms are engineered to feed you the most extreme, idealized versions of life, which relentlessly fuel these unrealistic expectations in relationships.
This creates a cognitive distortion where 'relationship expectations vs reality' become painfully misaligned. The constant exposure to idealized partnerships makes them seem like the norm, when they are, in fact, the exception—and often a performance. The problem with the #RelationshipGoals hashtag is that it frames love as a destination or an aesthetic rather than a practice. It erases the quiet, unglamorous work that real intimacy requires. Understanding this allows you to see the 'perfect boyfriend myth' for what it is: a marketing tool, not a manual for love. And so, here is your Permission Slip: You have permission to log off from the performance and log into the beautiful, imperfect reality of your own life. This is how to stop comparing your partner to others: by recognizing you're judging them against a ghost.
Finding Gratitude in the 'Good Enough' Relationship
Understanding the mechanics is empowering, but knowledge alone doesn't always soothe the heart. Now that we've dissected the illusion, how do we find beauty and meaning in what's real, right in front of us? This is a shift from analysis to presence, a space where our mystic, Luna, guides us.
Luna would ask you to close your eyes and picture a plastic plant versus a real one. The plastic plant is perfect—always green, never wilting, flawless in its consistency. The real plant has brown spots, needs watering, and changes with the seasons. Which one is alive? The curated 'perfect' relationships online are like plastic flowers. They are static images, not living things. Your relationship, with all its imperfections, is a living ecosystem. The goal isn't flawlessness; it's nourishment. Finding happiness in an imperfect relationship begins with this shift in perspective.
Instead of measuring your love against an external, artificial standard, turn your focus inward. What does your love feel like on a quiet Tuesday night? What is the unique rhythm of your shared life? The antidote to the loud pressure of unrealistic expectations in relationships is the quiet practice of gratitude for what is real: the inside jokes, the way he makes your coffee without asking, the steady presence in moments of chaos. These are the roots of a love that can actually sustain you, far more than a filtered photo ever could. True relationship goals aren't something you can capture in a photo; they are something you build, day by day, in the messy, beautiful, and authentic privacy of your own life.
FAQ
1. How does social media create unrealistic expectations in relationships?
Social media creates unrealistic expectations by showcasing curated 'highlight reels' of other people's lives. This constant exposure to perfected, idealized moments can make normal, everyday relationships seem inadequate, leading to social comparison and dissatisfaction.
2. Is it normal to compare my relationship to others?
Yes, it's a very normal human tendency based on Social Comparison Theory. However, while common, constantly comparing your relationship, especially to idealized versions online, can be harmful to your happiness and your connection with your partner.
3. What is the 'perfect boyfriend myth'?
The 'perfect boyfriend myth' is a cultural idea, heavily promoted by media and pop culture, of a partner who is flawless, constantly romantic, and fulfills every emotional need without issue. This myth sets up unrealistic expectations in relationships and devalues the authentic, imperfect qualities of a real partner.
4. How can I stop comparing my partner and relationship to what I see online?
Start by consciously curating your social media feed—unfollow accounts that trigger comparison. Practice mindfulness and gratitude for the small, real moments in your relationship. Finally, remind yourself that you are comparing your reality to a performance, not a reality. This helps in dismantling unrealistic expectations in relationships.
References
apa.org — A new look at social comparison - American Psychological Association
en.wikipedia.org — Boyfriend - Wikipedia