Communication in situationships fails for one primary reason: people avoid clarity because they fear the outcome. One person fears pressure; the other fears rejection. So both settle for vague hints and emotional guessing.
But vague communication is exactly what makes situationships painful.
Cleveland Clinic highlights that communication in situationships can be sporadic or shallow, and lack of clarity can create anxiety or confusion.
The 3 Communication Goals (Simple and Powerful)
If you’re in an undefined relationship, your communication should do three things:
- Clarify reality (what is happening now)
- Clarify expectations (what you want going forward)
- Protect your dignity (boundaries if expectations don’t match)
This prevents you from turning “communication” into begging, chasing, or emotional negotiation.
What Not to Do (Common Communication Traps)
These make situationships worse:
- “Hinting” instead of asking
- Long emotional essays after you feel ignored
- Passive-aggressive texts (“It’s fine”)
- Testing them to see if they care
- Over-apologizing for normal needs
If you want commitment or clarity, the most confident move is direct language.
How to Start the Conversation Without Making It Weird
The best time to communicate is when you feel calm, not after a spiral.
Use a simple opener:
- “I like what we have, and I want to talk about what we’re doing.”
- “I’ve been thinking about where this is going. Can we check in?”
- “I’m enjoying this, but I’m not great with ambiguity long-term.”
Then ask a concrete question.
The “Define It” Question (One Sentence)
- “Are you open to defining this and working toward a committed relationship?”
or
- “Do you see this becoming exclusive, or are we keeping it casual?”
This is clean, mature communication. It’s not an ultimatum—unless you add threats.
How to Communicate Boundaries (Without Controlling)
A boundary is about what you will do. Gottman explains boundaries focus on your limits and behavior, whereas ultimatums aim to control the other person.
Examples:
- “I’m looking for exclusivity. If that’s not what you want, I’m going to step back.”
- “I don’t do relationship-level intimacy without clarity. I’m going to pause this until we’re aligned.”
- “I’m not available for inconsistent communication. If we can’t be steady, I’m moving on.”
Scripts for Real Situationship Scenarios
Use these as templates.
Scenario A: You want clarity
“I’ve been enjoying this, but I need to know what we’re doing. Are you open to defining this?”
Scenario B: You want exclusivity
“I’m not seeing other people, and I don’t want to keep building this without exclusivity. Is that something you want too?”
Scenario C: You feel like a secret
“I feel like we keep things private in a way that doesn’t work for me. I need a relationship that’s open and clear.”
Scenario D: Communication is inconsistent
“When we disappear and reappear, it affects me. I need more consistency if we’re going to keep seeing each other.”
Scenario E: You’re ending it with self-respect
“I’m looking for something defined. If you’re not in that place, I’m going to end this.”
If They Respond With Vague Answers (How to Interpret It)
Common vague answers:
- “I’m not ready.”
- “Let’s just see.”
- “Why ruin a good thing?”
- “I don’t like labels.”
Vague answers are still answers. They mean: they’re not choosing definition right now. Your job is to decide whether that matches your needs.
Communication Safety Note (If Control or Abuse Is Present)
If you see controlling behavior—constant monitoring, isolation, threats, sexual pressure—prioritize safety. Love is Respect flags constant demanding messages and proof of location as controlling behavior.
For broader warning signs and support resources, The Hotline provides guidance.
FAQ
1) How do I bring up “What are we?” without sounding needy?
Use calm, direct language and one question. Needy is chasing clarity repeatedly after getting a clear “no.”
2) What if they say they don’t want labels?
Ask what that means behaviorally: exclusivity, consistency, future planning. If it means “no accountability,” decide accordingly.
3) How many times should I ask for clarity?
Once. If the answer is vague or avoidant, treat that as your information.
4) What if I want commitment but I’m scared they’ll leave?
If asking for your needs makes them leave, the situationship was not protecting your wellbeing.
5) Can boundaries push someone away?
Yes—and that can be a good thing. Boundaries filter out misalignment.
References
- Cleveland Clinic — Situationship communication patterns and signs
- Gottman Institute — Setting boundaries; boundaries vs ultimatums
- Love is Respect — Controlling behavior red flags
- National Domestic Violence Hotline — Warning signs and resources