The Strange Emptiness of Winning
It’s a familiar scene scrolling through your feed: a celebrated artist, like director Paul Thomas Anderson, wins another prestigious award. There’s a flash of collective excitement, a digital round of applause. For a moment, success seems so tangible, so simple—a golden statue, a critical consensus, a clear victory.
But then, the feed refreshes. The moment passes. And a quiet, nagging question surfaces: is that it? Is success fulfilling only for as long as the applause lasts? This fleeting high is the very core of the exhausting battle between external vs internal validation.
We are culturally conditioned to chase the external: the promotion, the degree, the 'like' count, the partner's approval. These are the visible markers society tells us equate to worth. Yet, for so many, reaching these milestones feels hollow. The goalpost just moves further away, leaving a sense of being on a treadmill you can't get off. It’s a profound confusion—achieving what you thought you wanted, only to feel unchanged on the inside.
The Golden Statue Trap: The Emptiness of Chasing External Approval
Let’s be brutally honest. That trophy doesn't love you back. The promotion doesn’t tuck you in at night. The likes don't build a foundation of self-respect. They are hits of dopamine, not pillars of identity.
This is what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill. You get the win, you feel great for a hot minute, and then your emotional baseline snaps right back to where it was. Now you need a bigger win, a better award, more praise just to feel that same rush again. It's an addiction, and the dealer is everyone else's opinion.
Our realist, Vix, puts it this way: "Outsourcing your self-worth is the most dangerous emotional investment you can make. You’re giving complete strangers veto power over your own happiness." The constant struggle of external vs internal validation isn't about being humble; it’s about taking back control. It's realizing that if your sense of self is built on the unstable ground of public opinion, it will collapse the second the wind changes direction. You need to learn how to stop seeking approval as your primary source of fuel.
The 'St. Louis Film Critics' Principle: Finding Value in the Process, Not Just the Prize
As our sense-maker Cory often observes, we need to look at the underlying pattern. Highly fulfilled individuals, whether they are artists like Paul Thomas Anderson or not, share a common trait: their primary reward system is internal. The work itself—the problem-solving, the creative struggle, the mastery of a craft—is the prize. An award is a pleasant, but ultimately secondary, byproduct.
This is the crucial pivot in the external vs internal validation dilemma. It’s about shifting your focus from the outcome (the award) to the process (the filmmaking). Fulfillment doesn't live in the destination; it’s cultivated along the journey. When you are engaged in a process you find meaningful, you are generating your own validation with every step. You aren't waiting for a committee to tell you that your work has value.
Understanding this dynamic is essential for learning how to build self-worth that is resilient and self-sustaining. It’s about recognizing that the satisfaction of solving a difficult scene or writing a perfect line of dialogue provides a deeper, more lasting nourishment than a transient cheer from a crowd. This shift is about defining success on your own terms, and it starts with a simple cognitive reframe.
Here’s a Permission Slip from Cory: "You have permission to define your 'win' as showing up and trying, not as being chosen or applauded."
How to Build Your Own Hall of Fame: An Action Plan for Internal Validation
Feeling empowered is one thing; having a strategy is another. Our social strategist, Pavo, insists that shifting from a mindset of external vs internal validation requires a clear, actionable plan. It’s about building a new system for measuring your own success.
As therapist Kati Morton explains in her video on the validation trap, the goal is to become your own primary source of approval. Here is the move:
Here is Pavo's three-step action plan to build your own internal 'Hall of Fame,' where you are the only judge that matters:
Step 1: The 'Daily Evidence' Log.
At the end of each day, write down one thing you did that you are proud of, completely independent of its outcome or anyone else's reaction. Examples: 'I finally made that difficult phone call,' 'I held my boundary with a coworker,' or 'I spent 20 minutes learning a new skill.' This trains your brain to find value in effort, not just results.
Step 2: Define Your 'Core Metrics.'
External validation is generic. Internal validation is specific to you. Spend 30 minutes identifying 3-5 core values that define your version of a successful life. Is it creativity? Kindness? Courage? Financial stability? Write them down. From now on, you will measure your days against these metrics, not society's. This is the foundation of defining success on your own terms.
Step 3: Deploy 'The Script' for Deflecting Comparison.
When someone tries to measure you by an external yardstick ('Did you get that promotion?'), you need a high-EQ response. Don't get defensive. Pivot. Pavo's Script: "I'm actually focusing more on [Your Core Metric] right now, and I’m really happy with my progress in that area. For example, last week I..." This communicates confidence and subtly teaches others how you wish to be seen. It's the ultimate strategic move in the game of external vs internal validation.
FAQ
1. What is the key difference between external and internal validation?
External validation is seeking approval, worth, and a sense of accomplishment from outside sources like awards, social media likes, or other people's opinions. Internal validation is the ability to recognize your own worth, find satisfaction in your efforts, and define success based on your own values and principles, regardless of external feedback.
2. Is all external validation unhealthy?
Not at all. It's natural and healthy to appreciate positive feedback, recognition, and praise. The problem arises when external validation becomes your primary or only source of self-worth. A healthy balance involves valuing your own judgment first while being able to accept external feedback as a secondary bonus, not a necessity for feeling good about yourself.
3. How can I genuinely stop caring what other people think?
The goal isn't to stop caring completely—which can lead to a lack of social awareness—but to stop over-caring. Start by identifying whose opinions truly matter (a small, trusted circle) versus the 'audience' you've imagined. Practice self-validation by logging your daily efforts and aligning your actions with your core values. The more you build your internal foundation, the less the winds of external opinion will affect you.
4. What is the hedonic treadmill and how does it relate to seeking approval?
The hedonic treadmill (or hedonic adaptation) is the psychological theory that humans quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative life events. In the context of seeking approval, it means the 'high' from an award, a compliment, or a promotion is temporary. You soon adapt, and that achievement becomes your new baseline, forcing you to seek even greater external validation to feel the same level of satisfaction.
References
psychologytoday.com — Why You Should Stop Seeking Validation from Others
youtube.com — How to Escape the Validation Trap | Kati Morton, LMFT