That Feeling in Your Gut: 'This Is Too Hard'
It's 10 PM. The television is on but no one is watching. The silence between you and your partner is so heavy you can feel it in your chest, a physical weight pressing down. You re-play the same argument from this morning in your head, the circular logic, the exhaustion. You look at this person you love, this person you chose, and a cold, quiet thought slides in: 'Is it supposed to be this hard?'
Let’s just sit with that for a moment. Right here, in this feeling. Buddy, our emotional anchor, wants you to know that this isn't a moment for shame. It’s a moment for honesty. That feeling of being completely and utterly spent is real. That sense of confusion is valid. When you find yourself feeling emotionally drained by marriage, it's not a character flaw; it's a symptom of a system under immense stress.
So many of us are sold a romantic comedy script for marriage, but the reality is a long-running drama series with complex character arcs. The hard parts—the miscommunication, the resentment over emotional labor, the nights spent sleeping on opposite edges of the bed—are often edited out of the public story. Your struggle doesn't mean your love is a failure. As Buddy would say, 'That wasn't a mistake; that was your brave desire for connection hitting a wall.' The first step in coping with marriage difficulties is to give yourself permission to admit it's happening.
Why 'Hard Work' Is a Feature, Not a Bug
Now that we've validated the feeling, let's analyze the mechanism behind it. Our sense-maker, Cory, urges us to look at the underlying pattern. The friction you're experiencing isn't random chaos; it’s often a predictable, albeit painful, stage of relational development. Many couples find themselves navigating what therapists call the 'power struggle stage,' a period that comes after the initial romance fades and real-world differences in values, habits, and needs emerge.
This is where the real 'work' of marriage begins. It's not the drudgery of chores; it's the intense psychological effort of merging two separate lives without losing yourselves. It's about navigating conflict in a relationship in a way that builds intimacy rather than eroding it. When marriage feels like hard work, it's often because you are in the middle of this crucial, foundational process. It's the pressure that can either crack the foundation or forge a stronger bond.
Let’s reframe this: The presence of conflict is not an indicator of incompatibility. In fact, learning how to handle disagreement is one of the single greatest predictors of long-term success. Avoiding these difficulties is what leads to stagnation and resentment. So here is Cory’s permission slip for you:
You have permission to see this difficult phase not as a sign that your marriage is broken, but as an invitation to build something deeper and more honest than you had before. The challenge of coping with marriage difficulties is the very thing that can lead to its greatest strengths.
Your 'Hard Work' Toolkit: 3 Skills to Practice This Week
Feelings are valid, and understanding the 'why' is crucial. But as our strategist Pavo would say, 'Insight without action is just rumination.' It's time to move from feeling to strategy. The good news is that there are proven methods for improving how you communicate during conflict. The most effective framework comes from decades of research by the Gottman Institute, which has identified specific toxic behaviors and their antidotes.
Instead of trying to solve every problem at once, which is overwhelming, let’s focus on one core skill: replacing criticism with a 'Gentle Start-Up.' This is a foundational move in the Gottman method for couples. Criticism attacks your partner's character ('You're so lazy'), while a gentle start-up focuses on your feelings and a specific need. It's a strategic shift from accusation to invitation.
Here is your tactical plan for navigating conflict. Pavo insists you try this once in the next few days:
Step 1: Identify the Criticism.
Before you speak, catch the accusatory thought. Is it a 'You always...' or a 'You never...' statement? That's criticism. Pause.
Step 2: Draft Your 'Gentle Start-Up' Script.
Use this formula: 'I feel [Your Emotion] about [Specific Situation], and I need [Positive Need].' This script is your tool for coping with marriage difficulties without causing more damage.
Step 3: Deploy the Script.
Instead of: 'You never help with the dishes, it's like you don't care.'
Say this: 'I feel overwhelmed and alone when I see the dishes piled up after a long day. I would really appreciate it if we could tackle them together tonight.'
This isn't about being 'nice'; it's about being effective. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, learning to use these antidotes to criticism and contempt is essential for surviving the power struggle stage. It transforms a potential fight into a problem-solving conversation, which is the very essence of making a marriage work.
FAQ
1. What are considered normal marital problems?
Normal marital problems include disagreements over finances, chores, and parenting styles; periods of mismatched libido; feeling unheard or unappreciated; and navigating the 'power struggle stage' where partners learn to negotiate their differences. The key isn't the absence of problems, but how couples repair and communicate through them.
2. How do you know if marriage difficulties are a phase or a dealbreaker?
A difficult phase often involves solvable problems and a willingness from both partners to try new strategies, even if it's clumsy at first. It may be a dealbreaker if one or both partners consistently display what the Gottman Institute calls the 'Four Horsemen'—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—without any attempt at repair, or if abuse is present.
3. What is the 'power struggle stage' in a marriage?
The power struggle stage is a normal phase after the initial 'honeymoon' period where couples move from emphasizing similarities to confronting their differences. It involves conflict as each partner asserts their needs, values, and independence. Successfully navigating this stage is crucial for building a stable, long-term foundation for the relationship.
4. Can a marriage survive one partner feeling emotionally drained?
Yes, but it requires addressing the root cause. Feeling emotionally drained often stems from unresolved conflict, excessive emotional labor, or a lack of appreciation. For the marriage to survive, the dynamic must shift. This involves open communication, setting boundaries, and both partners actively working to replenish the emotional bank account.
References
gottman.com — The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes